Self doubt sucks

 I pride myself on being calm, cool and collected. I was not any of those things yesterday. I had a terrible day. So much stress. I had such a bad fucking day. I couldn't do anything right. I felt very angry and I wanted to fight people all day. I had to talk myself down a few times from losing my cool.  I really needed a friend yesterday. I felt so alone yesterday. I guess that isn't true, I always feel alone.  I just realized it fully when I wanted to call someone to talk to them to make me feel better and fact is I don't have any one to talk to. I tried to just start some simple conversations through the internet but I didn't even get a reply, It's okay, I'm sure they were busy, people have things to do. I'm sure that I do know people that would say "Hey man, you know you can always call me" But can I? I don't actually think so, I don't feel like that's an option. Maybe if you'd make more of an effort to make me feel like I can, if you are actually sincere in your claim that I could if I needed to; like I do with people because I know sometimes people need to be reassured numerous times that you actually give a fuck, through both your words and actions before they'll believe that you do give a fuck. I know the world is a harsh and uncaring place sometimes and I think maybe we all feel like this sometimes, maybe not, but I do know I'm not the only one that feels utterly alone and unloved. But really, it's okay, I'm pretty used to feeling like this, I don't need to bother anybody, I do that enough as it is. Besides some of my friends (should I call them that? they feel more like acquaintances on days like this, are they just people I sit around and watch tv and smoke pot with, nothing more nothing deeper?) I have tried to reach out to them and I am faced with the fact that they really don't want to or can be there for me, I don't blame them or find fault in them for that. I have no right to expect shit from anybody and I don't but it still hurts, you know? Plus everyone who has ever told me or made me feel like I could count on them for love and/or support has left me standing all alone wondering what I did wrong. I'm really sick of bringing people into my heart to have them just disappear from my life unexpectedly to me. It's rarely a bad separation, most of the time I just wake up and they are gone, just like that. I call them but they brush me off until I stop trying. I know I shouldn't let that affect me to the degree that it has. I try to carry on normal social relationships with everyone but I always hold the thought in my head that they will disappear from my life at some point and constantly remind myself not to get too attached because of it. I'm pretty sure that I do it alright since no one seems to notice it. Or maybe they do. I do know it isn't right but then again neither is the despair I feel every time I am confronted with the fact that they didn't really care that much about me.

    I truly am alone. I have been for as long as I can remember. I always feel like an outsider, I always feel left out, I constantly feel like people are avoiding me, I always feel like my friends are actually embarrassed by me and that's why they don't invite me out with their other friends, I feel like maybe I am just a charity case, maybe everybody does see what's wrong with me even though I can't see it, I've tried to figure out almost everyday what is wrong with me, but maybe they won't tell me because there is no point because it can't be fixed. I've actually made a list of things I felt were wrong with me, I'm trying to fix them because then maybe I'll be okay and be deserving of love. I don't feel lovable as it all sits right now. But I suppose that just means I need to become a better person so I can deserve it one day. I hope it won't take too long because each time I feel this way, It eats a little more at me. I can feel myself get more reclusive, more shut down, more detached, more  lonely, and the worst of it all, more and more hopeless. I tend to keep my writings like this to myself, but since no one I actually know reads this blog, I thought maybe if it can help even just one person feel better then it's worth sharing my pain. I'll make an effort to write when I feel good, I swear I can be happy and inspirational. But same deal with my feeling bad. I don't feel like anyone really cares. bleh. Fuck me, eh?

 I know this all sounds really bad but to be honest, it only bothers me 1% of the time. I'm not suicidal or even a depressed person; most of the time I am all smiles and jokes and I make a real effort to bring everybody up. I know what it feels like when no one says nice things to you. It is difficult when you realize you aren't actually loved, everyone should feel loved and cared about. I firmly believe that. That is why I always try to be there for anybody that needs it. But the truth is that not all of us have that. It's okay though. I'm fine now today, well not fine but good enough to act all smiley and jokey again, and as I do that more and more I'll get happier and happier. I guess I really don't need anybody. I just have to be there for myself and talk myself up when I feel down. I need to be a better me for me though since it's just me. I don't actually dwell on all this too much because it obviously is a very unhappy trap to get stuck in. It's just a simple fact of my life. Even if I am not consciously thinking about any of it, I do possess the knowledge of it. I will eventually get rid of this demon. It went to sleep a couple of times but each time it awakens it gets harder and harder to put back to sleep. I am making a lot of progress in my life and I hope to make more progress on the always feeling alone and unloved front. It's something that has hung over me my entire life and I'm pretty sure is responsible for a majority of my grey hairs. I'll be better soon though. I know this demon will die, but i fear it may be around for a while longer.