Fuck Valentines Day

 

To all my lonely motherfuckers out there! Fuck Valentines Day.

There is a good chance that Nobody Loves You!!!! I mean love in that "true love" way, like would die for you and your happiness is their top number one priority in life and they would never do anything to hurt you, etc...  There is a chance you'll remain alone forever!  There do I sound bitter? lol Well I'm really not. but I suppose I might come across as being quite bitter. I'm correct though, I'm not lying to youbetter start getting comfortable with yourself and who you are outside of a sociological view. Maybe there is a word for when after you're bitter and still know what's up, Maybe its called being Realistic.
I am alone for another Valentines Day.  I don't have to be, I know that. I have turned down a couple of girls here and there, opting instead to be friends before we went anywhere else with it. Glad I made that choice; I ended up losing all interest in them because they turned out to be worthless sluts. There is not a single woman that I would date right now; they are all wrong for me.


What I want is sooo simple yet it is clearly impossible to find. I want a loyal best friend that likes to have fun and fuck, a lot, monogamously. Apparently that is too much to ask for. That's okay with me though. Whenever I feel lonely, so like all day everyday, I just remember the lowlights, the worst of, all my few relationships, I'm a long term kind of guy always in it for the long haul, I wanted a family and all that good shit, ya know? enjoy it while it lasts, put the blinders on, Well until I end up realizing that, truth be told, I have never actually been loved, not in the true sense of the word. sure I've been proposed to twice, married once, but i had to walk away from both of those situations. Hell, I've actually broken up with every girlfriend I've ever had, except one, I kind of just moved 4 states away without telling her, I know I'm a monster, but she was batshit crazy, anyways back to the point, wait is there a point?







So I walked away from both situations because those women were decidedly not very in love with me, not the way I define the word. I think they just really liked how funny and smart and calm, cool and collect I am, and probably mostly, the fucking... ah how I love to make love. king girthy the 8th is still like a teenager with that thing where even after I'm done, that mother fucker still stays hard and wants to keep going. bastard is insatiable. I'm pretty good in the sack, My ex's still try to get me back quite frequently, they are constantly trying to hook back up even if just for sex, but the ole' facepalm and stern no has been working so far. I know I should cut off all ties but they are the only ones that I even get the lie of love from, I know its a lie but even the lie tastes good sometimes.  I've only been with a few girls but we did it a lot... I'm sure my sex count is much higher than most peoples and I've taken a 2 1/2 year hiatus from all relationships other than pure innocent friendship, and to be honest about that, I only actually have 1 friend, the rest are still at the "acquaintance" level to me  (nope, I don't have trust issues...).  More people consider me a friend than vice versa. I've learned my lesson, I do not put more effort into building interpersonal relationships with people than they themselves put in. well except my best friend, I would never tell her that but I'm sure I put in more effort than she does. But it's cool, I'm not complaining at all I just realized it as I was writing this, I need to contemplate it further; maybe I'm wrong, but it deserves some analyzing nonetheless. Regardless, she'll bail on me as soon as she finds a hot dickface piece of shit or if she relapses like she is worried about. I highly doubt she'll relapse. And I also know that she means much more to me than I do to her, which is good that we are just friends. She helped me out when I was going through my divorce, more than she knows, hell, more than I'm willing to admit out loud or even in a blog no one reads ;-)

So today, no matter how lonely you feel, just be glad you're not in a bad relationship. Just be glad! Put on that smile and front to the world like you don't even give a motherfuck about anything but laughing and being positive. Nobody really gives a shit about you and you need to be okay with that. it's not the end of the world, Its just a simple fact, it happens to some of us, no matter how hard we try we get shit on constantly. Just wash yourself off everyday and ignore it all. get stoned and push those negative feelings right out your own ass, just don't be like the rest of them and don't shit on anyone else, just because you're covered in it doesn't give you the right to do it to anyone else, little shit-slinging monkey ass cunts! lol And here I am back to smiling and laughing, it does help to get it out, it does. thanks for reading my rant. fuck you if you don't like it. I don't give a fuck, not any more, I know now that "Nothing really matters... to me" (Queen, bitches!). lol 

Enjoy your VD, you fucking Sluts and Cunts! hahahahaha

Self doubt sucks

 I pride myself on being calm, cool and collected. I was not any of those things yesterday. I had a terrible day. So much stress. I had such a bad fucking day. I couldn't do anything right. I felt very angry and I wanted to fight people all day. I had to talk myself down a few times from losing my cool.  I really needed a friend yesterday. I felt so alone yesterday. I guess that isn't true, I always feel alone.  I just realized it fully when I wanted to call someone to talk to them to make me feel better and fact is I don't have any one to talk to. I tried to just start some simple conversations through the internet but I didn't even get a reply, It's okay, I'm sure they were busy, people have things to do. I'm sure that I do know people that would say "Hey man, you know you can always call me" But can I? I don't actually think so, I don't feel like that's an option. Maybe if you'd make more of an effort to make me feel like I can, if you are actually sincere in your claim that I could if I needed to; like I do with people because I know sometimes people need to be reassured numerous times that you actually give a fuck, through both your words and actions before they'll believe that you do give a fuck. I know the world is a harsh and uncaring place sometimes and I think maybe we all feel like this sometimes, maybe not, but I do know I'm not the only one that feels utterly alone and unloved. But really, it's okay, I'm pretty used to feeling like this, I don't need to bother anybody, I do that enough as it is. Besides some of my friends (should I call them that? they feel more like acquaintances on days like this, are they just people I sit around and watch tv and smoke pot with, nothing more nothing deeper?) I have tried to reach out to them and I am faced with the fact that they really don't want to or can be there for me, I don't blame them or find fault in them for that. I have no right to expect shit from anybody and I don't but it still hurts, you know? Plus everyone who has ever told me or made me feel like I could count on them for love and/or support has left me standing all alone wondering what I did wrong. I'm really sick of bringing people into my heart to have them just disappear from my life unexpectedly to me. It's rarely a bad separation, most of the time I just wake up and they are gone, just like that. I call them but they brush me off until I stop trying. I know I shouldn't let that affect me to the degree that it has. I try to carry on normal social relationships with everyone but I always hold the thought in my head that they will disappear from my life at some point and constantly remind myself not to get too attached because of it. I'm pretty sure that I do it alright since no one seems to notice it. Or maybe they do. I do know it isn't right but then again neither is the despair I feel every time I am confronted with the fact that they didn't really care that much about me.

    I truly am alone. I have been for as long as I can remember. I always feel like an outsider, I always feel left out, I constantly feel like people are avoiding me, I always feel like my friends are actually embarrassed by me and that's why they don't invite me out with their other friends, I feel like maybe I am just a charity case, maybe everybody does see what's wrong with me even though I can't see it, I've tried to figure out almost everyday what is wrong with me, but maybe they won't tell me because there is no point because it can't be fixed. I've actually made a list of things I felt were wrong with me, I'm trying to fix them because then maybe I'll be okay and be deserving of love. I don't feel lovable as it all sits right now. But I suppose that just means I need to become a better person so I can deserve it one day. I hope it won't take too long because each time I feel this way, It eats a little more at me. I can feel myself get more reclusive, more shut down, more detached, more  lonely, and the worst of it all, more and more hopeless. I tend to keep my writings like this to myself, but since no one I actually know reads this blog, I thought maybe if it can help even just one person feel better then it's worth sharing my pain. I'll make an effort to write when I feel good, I swear I can be happy and inspirational. But same deal with my feeling bad. I don't feel like anyone really cares. bleh. Fuck me, eh?

 I know this all sounds really bad but to be honest, it only bothers me 1% of the time. I'm not suicidal or even a depressed person; most of the time I am all smiles and jokes and I make a real effort to bring everybody up. I know what it feels like when no one says nice things to you. It is difficult when you realize you aren't actually loved, everyone should feel loved and cared about. I firmly believe that. That is why I always try to be there for anybody that needs it. But the truth is that not all of us have that. It's okay though. I'm fine now today, well not fine but good enough to act all smiley and jokey again, and as I do that more and more I'll get happier and happier. I guess I really don't need anybody. I just have to be there for myself and talk myself up when I feel down. I need to be a better me for me though since it's just me. I don't actually dwell on all this too much because it obviously is a very unhappy trap to get stuck in. It's just a simple fact of my life. Even if I am not consciously thinking about any of it, I do possess the knowledge of it. I will eventually get rid of this demon. It went to sleep a couple of times but each time it awakens it gets harder and harder to put back to sleep. I am making a lot of progress in my life and I hope to make more progress on the always feeling alone and unloved front. It's something that has hung over me my entire life and I'm pretty sure is responsible for a majority of my grey hairs. I'll be better soon though. I know this demon will die, but i fear it may be around for a while longer.